


Just Want To Be Lost (A Little More)

by DoctorTrekLock



Series: Resolution19 [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, M/M, Spoilers through beginning of Season 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 23:18:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17755388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorTrekLock/pseuds/DoctorTrekLock
Summary: The first time Castiel dies, he is five million years old.He has watched the rise and fall of humanity. He has watched the Fall of Lucifer and his fellows. He has stood vigil at Sodom and seen the flames of Gomorrah. He has walked the streets of Egypt in unearthly darkness and stood in full sunlight at the back of a crowd of five thousand about to be fed with five loaves of bread and a pair of fish.Castiel is among the youngest of his siblings - Michael was the first of the angels and his creation preceded Castiel's by over four billion years. Yet he is still old. Among the humans, he is ancient. He has known tens of thousands of humans and has treated them all as an angel should: cordially, but with distance and the weight of God's Word on his tongue.Then came a human named Dean who called him "Cas."





	Just Want To Be Lost (A Little More)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Everytime [Cas] is resurrected I think he screams and tries as hard as he can to just stop being an angel."  
> Source: A beautiful piece of art by Zipra (<http://doctortreklock.tumblr.com/post/116789297632/zipra-everytime-he-is-resurrected-i-think-he>)
> 
> Originally posted January 7, 2019 on [Tumblr](http://doctortreklock.tumblr.com/post/181828911252/just-want-to-be-lost-a-little-more-january-7)

The first time Castiel dies, he is five million years old.

He has watched the rise and fall of humanity. He has watched the Fall of Lucifer and his fellows. He has stood vigil at Sodom and seen the flames of Gomorrah. He has walked the streets of Egypt in unearthly darkness and stood in full sunlight at the back of a crowd of five thousand about to be fed with five loaves of bread and a pair of fish.

Castiel is among the youngest of his siblings - Michael was the first of the angels and his creation preceded Castiel's by over four billion years. Yet he is still old. Among the humans, he is ancient. He has known tens of thousands of humans and has treated them all as an angel should: cordially, but wih distance and the weight of God's Word on his tongue.

Then came a human named Dean who called him "Cas."

When Castiel was young, he had loved being an angel, in the way that only young children can, when they have yet to comprehend why anyone would want to be anything else than what they were. Even after Lucifer's Fall, Castiel could not understand why anyone would disobey. Was obedience really that hard? Castiel obeyed, because he did not know how not to.

Years later, Hester would tell Dean Winchester than when Castiel had first laid a hand on him in Hell, he was lost. Castiel does not dispute this fact.

He knows that Dean was impatient with him, but Castiel still marvels that it had taken less than a year for one human to single-handedly turn an angel of the Lord from the path he had been following for half a billion years.

When Castiel is torn apart by his brother Raphael, he prays to his Father that Dean will be able to stop the rise of Lucifer.

Lucifer walks the Earth freely for the first time in a million years, but Dean survives and Castiel's Father saw fit to restore him, so he counts it as a win. It's a busy year and Castiel is tested to the limits of his patience when it comes to combating the Winchester penchant for self-sacrifice. He figures turn-about's fair play when he hoists a Molotov cocktail at Michael to give Dean his five minutes.

When Castiel is shattered by his brother Lucifer, he hopes that his Father will let him return to Dean.

Sam is locked in the Cage with two of Castiel's angriest siblings, and Dean wants nothing to do with hunting. Heaven is falling apart and it's Castiel's fault. Raphael wants to reopen the Cage, and Castiel cannot forget the feeling of his sister's keen-edged grace ripping his own to shreds. Dean doesn't understand, can't understand. It isn't until Castiel is full of Purgatoric souls that he realizes that maybe Dean had had the right of it the whole time.

When Castiel is dragged under the surface of a lake by Leviathan, he pleads with his Father for one more chance at being part of Dean's happy ending.

Emmanuel Allen, faith healer, does not have the problems that Castiel, disgraced seraph of the Lord, does, but Emmanuel Allen does not have Dean Winchester, so Cas supposes that regaining his memories could be considered a more than fair trade. No matter what he tries or where he goes, he cannot seem to bring peace to Dean or anyone else. In Purgatory, he is constantly dogged by monsters he does not deserve to avoid.  On Earth, he nearly kills Dean before Naomi's grip on him is loosened. In Heaven, he makes the wrong decision and brings his entire family crashing down with him. In the bunker, he makes himself too comfortable too quickly and is gently shoved out the door.

When Cas is gasping around the hole his own angel blade put in his chest, he begs his Father to make him human, so he might have a chance at not screwing up the Winchesters' lives again.

Cas has lost track of all the ways in which he is not the angel Castiel used to be. Between draining grace like a vampire from his fallen siblings and serving as a vessel himself for Lucifer, he is having difficulties drawing the line between himself and the Fallen archangel possessing him. His Father appears, and Castiel is in His presence for the first time since his creation and is completely overlooked. Cas spends the next few months desperately picking up the pieces Lucifer left behind on Earth and in himself. Lucifer has a son and escapes into another dimension. Cas wonders if any of it was worth it.

When Cas is falling to his knees as he feels his grace ignite and his feathers catch fire, he screams into the blackness not to be an angel again.

He beseeches his Father, Amara, any force who would listen, that if he were fortunate enough to make it back one more time, he would come back without wings, without grace, without anywhere for either to go. Maybe if he weren't an angel, he could begin to feel more like Castiel again. The Void is stillness and emptiness. Existence without awareness. Until it isn't. Until it's just black and dark and quiet, no matter how loud he shouts.

When Cas is standing on Earth again, able to feel the sun upon his face, with the weight of his wings upon his back, he nearly weeps.


End file.
